Lost Love

NFG

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You should know
I can’t even listen to New Found Glory
Without thinking of you
And I’ve waited too long
And that snow trip we took
I thought I’d found that someone

That snow trip
Where you took my phone and DJ’d all the way home
The triple date
Where I was made fun of for ordering tea
And in the parking lot
And you pulled me in for a kiss in your passenger seat

You should know
Sometimes I think of you for no reason at all
And at other times, for very specific reasons
When I’m watching hockey
Because you’re still the only girl I’ve seen in nothing but my jersey
Or Dr. Horrible
Because just having you near reminds me, “Heads up, Billy buddy.”

And you should know
I can’t listen to New Found Glory without thinking of you
Now it’s been years since we’ve talked
And I’ve no right to bother you with this
So I’ll just lie in my bed lying to myself about what could’ve been
This is where my head’s at tonight
And it’s all downhill from here

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NFG

An Open Letter To A Past Mistake

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What would you say if I told you that I’ve written about you? Would you like it? Or, would you simply dismiss it as so many others have? … As I once did to you … I’m sorry; I was preoccupied. I didn’t let myself live in the real world. I was stuck in the fantasy I had created for myself in years previous. And now, it’s too late. Isn’t it? Oh, can we go back to the grass that beautiful Shabbat in Jerusalem? I’m so sorry I didn’t make you feel every bit of how beautiful you were, you are. Now that I at least have the words to say, it’s too late. You’ve surpassed me. You’re this wonderful intelligent giant, and I’m but a grasshopper skittering about at your feet. You occasionally look down with a warm smile marveling at my meek existence. And again, I’m sorry for I have self-imposed this silence between us. I think it’s because I feel ashamed for not letting you in. You were my manic pixie dream girl, but this isn’t a Woody Allen movie…

An Open Letter To A Past Mistake

Dear Reader

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Dear Reader,
How do I tell her
That I’ve been chasing her
Ever since high school
But not this
Who she’s become
Who she was then
Not that that was all that great
I mean, she was all that
But I left me high and dry
She moved on into the arms of some other guy
And used me to facilitate
Her hand right into his left
Now I’m boiling over; full of hate
Eyes out the window, contemplating all that is
How do I tell me
That it’s all my fault
Without bending and breaking to the wind
Whispered from her lips
But not this
Who I’ve become
Versus who I was then
Not that I’m worth a shit
Or ever really was, admirable
And I left her just when I’d changed her mind
Knowing it’s my right that I’m right, about this
Her, or my, inevitable lackluster
Disappointment in one or the other
Now I’m welling up; eyes full of tears
Blurring all in sight, setting it all askew
How do I tell the tale
That has transpired
Without betraying
Any of our faults
And all that we’ve become?

 

Dear Reader

Miriam’s Death

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Someone recently drew a picture of me
When queried, another claimed it looked like Moses
With this I thought, Moshe Rabbeinu
The one to teach and lead the way
The bridge between us and what’s above
Wandering the wilderness to build
A people worthy of the land
But not without its strife
For he lost his Miriam
And saw only the vision of what’s to be
From afar beside the river Jordan

Have I reached the valley’s depth
I’m not sure I can take anymore
I have been left, dumbed and inept
I am lost in the wilderness
There is no road in sight
To the left or the right
I have tumbled, stumbled and fumbled
With every good thing, WHERE IS MY FIGHT
That which will release me of this blight

Or am I to end up as Avihu and Nadav
With these unforgivable mistakes
Will I be left with death in the desert Negev
Bent to the ground to slither with the snakes

Please may I be given the strength to keep this evil at bay
Something to keep it together all along the way

Miriam’s dead to me
I’ve been in the desert
For so long
Will I reach my land
Will I drink the milk
Will I eat the honey
Am I destined to live
Or will I die
Having only seen from afar
That which I’ve been living for

You really were the backbone
For a people all alone
You were the support
For the one that lead the charge
Without you the well’s run dry
Left in our mouths the taste of bitterness
Leaving a patch of Eden behind
It’s just enough to quench this thirst

You were the support for the boy
Who wanted only to love and care
For the one who would be there
Through the highs and lows

Miriam’s Death

Recursion, see Recursion

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I’m stuck in this loop
It’s infinitely strange
Recursive in nature
Though it’s not to help
As far as I can tell
It’s here to frustrate
My heart’s contention
In a form of hypertension
Ever it beats to this deceit
And seemingly for the same old story

Another girl needs saving
From her self or her upbringing
Caught in her web she’s spinning
I’m sucking from the bottle her venom
Drinking up all that’s within it
Binding my body and mind in fetters
Pulled by the string the leash
She has but wrapped about her digit

This spiral is winding down
Around the event horizon
Like the tepid water of a toilet bowl
Casting shadows on all that’s alight
Is there an end in sight
To this steady stream of shit
Forcing its way through my veins
Until it’s all I’ve got left
I guess it’s like they say:
To understand it, you must understand it

Yet again I’m lusting for it
The convenience of another fuck
She’s a party girl, she should like me
So just make the most of this
Misused mutual manipulation
Barely walking away bruised to the day
Making your way with a shaken knee
So it will as it ever can be

Now you’re back
Though in this new guise
A new name a new face
The same guile in this smile
You’re but a geist
Of love lost’s past
Here to take heist
Of any joy I’ve amassed

Recursion, see Recursion

Awoken

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I dreamed that you so gently woke me
You woke me with poison down my throat
You were the snake at the foot of my bed
Shedding your skin ashen about
Trying to pierce your way back into my head
But I deflected it, defended against it
In this dreamscape I prevented the worst
Stopped the poison from reaching our hearts

But when I came to I truly woke up
And there you were your blade to my back
With your gums spiked forming some wry smile
And your sharpened tongue envenomed to my ear
I let it in denying what in the night
Was forewarned to be my plight

Now I’m left to the throes of love
Supposedly from above
Thought not but faux pas
Veritably with blodied claws
You left crimson rivers streaming
The proof that you were here
Storming out on me screaming:
“I want you to disappear!”

You sure did betray yourself
In that moment of weakness
Relaying what’s truly within
To be given from you
There’s not much value in it
Doesn’t matter much anyhow
It’s long gone isn’t it
What once could’ve been

The seed that grew was wilted through
Planted in the soot of what came before
Leaving the roots rotten to their core

Awoken

Here I Am, Here We Are

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Here we are you and I
You’ve left me broken and lonely yet again
It’s like I’ll never learn
Left on the floor with all these
Thoughts of what I’ve been
Immature’s a word left for those
Whose swoon is best left ignored
Of your life and all you’ve done I’d have abhored
If not for how great it feels when its peaked
Because of all my interests, at the least, you have piqued

For your sake you fucking fake
I hope theres no heaven and hell
Cause we all know where you’ll dwell
Theres an empty abyss just for you

But I’m the one
Been taken for a fool
And you’re the one
Who thinks we’re ‘cool’
Yeah, I’m the one
Freezing in the pool
‘Cause you’re the one
Stuck in high school

Because here I am and you’re not
Ever gonna come back
I’ll see you ’round sometime
On some other guy’s arm
And you’ll be as you were
On the arm of some other guy

I’m trying to not be bitter and to be your friend
But there’s so much about you I don’t like
Your people eyes, your looks and your lies
The bruises there, between your thighs
All your plies, your sickly guise
I’m done, I’m cutting all our ties

Here I Am, Here We Are

What To Do

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What’s there to do
With your father’s possible suicide
And all you can think about
Is the worst night of your life
And that you haven’t dealt at all
With the regrets you’ve kept inside

You’ve given up on yourself
Over this one big mistake
Oh it was so long ago
Why can’t you just let this go

Coming awake to the cityscape
From behind the wheel, your mouth agape
The memories that precede, left to escape
Sobs bundled in tears barely taking shape

It all comes falling down
It comes tumbling to the ground
Then you can’t pick up the pieces
Juggling it ’til life ceases

But you can take solace in this
Your dad’s still got his best friend
The drugs he’s kept so near and dear
Just to drive away the fear
And he still has his girls
Bent to his will at the drop of a bill

Then there’s the girl
You’d always kiss her in the middle of her sentences
With so much effort you peppered her with sweetnesses
Afraid that her next words would lead her astray
From your path you always knew she wouldn’t stay
And then she was gone

You’ve given up your best friend
To this modern modesty
You’ve lost your spine
That which kept you an honest you

What’s there to do
When all that’s left of the best
Are these rogue strands of hair
Pirating from the high seas of the past
Entangling this in knots
Keeping the treasure locked inside
Where you can still smell
The sweat laced nights
Fighting beneath the sheets we’d swell
Forever marked by her playful bites
Oh what is this hell?!

What To Do

Last Summer

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Why’d you have to go and fall
Last Summer, you were so great

It’s the summer, we’re happy
Im blinded by my own disbelief
This ugly haze beset upon my gaze
Soon to be cast to the side
But there’s a smile on my face
Ever to my heart’s content

Why’d you have to go and fall
Springin’ forward, past all this shit

The rocks stuck in your feet
They’re like these stones I’ve grown
So bold with a story to tell
A fever to catch the world on fire
Burn it down ’til theres nothing left
Leaving ashes for the brashest

Why’d you have to go and fall
Into this cold cold winter

This empty bed’s been mocking me
And I’m freezing, as in my nightmares
Cold, lonely and biting my tongue
Biding my time, forever patient
‘Til I’m bled dry from my mouth
You won’t find me limp, cold on the floor

Why’d you have to go and fall
Oh Autumn, we’ve reached rock bottom!

I can see the bags filled with lies under your eyes
This pyre you’ve tried to make of me
It couldn’t even warm your heart
Though I’d love for you to jump right in
But it takes oxygen to burn
And you haven’t come up yet…

Last Summer

The Beastly Beauty, This Beautiful Beast

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You’re the beauty
Always dancing through my mind
Shining brightly
Blinding these binding tidings of peace

You’re the beast
Manipulating your clause
The one I like the least
Let’s bring everyone to the cause
Your path has carved east
Let’s do this right, show me your claws!

You’re the beauty and the beast
Always dancing around the fact
Waiting for the great feast
Never willing to act

But you’re chasing these fantasies
Believing their lies
Throwing out your alliances
Ever changing your appearances
Relying on their ever building
Tower upon your weak self-conscious
It’s waiting to crumble
And see you tumble
I anticipate apologies
From out of your mouth to fumble

But for one day, someday
We’ll find this rose someway
Or we’ll find what’s left
Not yet expressed from my chest
Plucked forth per pedal
In protest of my mettle
Against this futile plea for ‘we’
To somehow simply live and be

And still you’re dancing
Still I’m left glancing
Through this entrancing
Window to the past

The Beastly Beauty, This Beautiful Beast