Awoken

I dreamed that you so gently woke me
You woke me with poison down my throat
You were the snake at the foot of my bed
Shedding your skin ashen about
Trying to pierce your way back into my head
But I deflected it, defended against it
In this dreamscape I prevented the worst
Stopped the poison from reaching our hearts

But when I came to I truly woke up
And there you were your blade to my back
With your gums spiked forming some wry smile
And your sharpened tongue envenomed to my ear
I let it in denying what in the night
Was forewarned to be my plight

Now I’m left to the throes of love
Supposedly from above
Thought not but faux pas
Veritably with blodied claws
You left crimson rivers streaming
The proof that you were here
Storming out on me screaming:
“I want you to disappear!”

You sure did betray yourself
In that moment of weakness
Relaying what’s truly within
To be given from you
There’s not much value in it
Doesn’t matter much anyhow
It’s long gone isn’t it
What once could’ve been

The seed that grew was wilted through
Planted in the soot of what came before
Leaving the roots rotten to their core

Awoken

What To Do

What’s there to do
With your father’s possible suicide
And all you can think about
Is the worst night of your life
And that you haven’t dealt at all
With the regrets you’ve kept inside

You’ve given up on yourself
Over this one big mistake
Oh it was so long ago
Why can’t you just let this go

Coming awake to the cityscape
From behind the wheel, your mouth agape
The memories that precede, left to escape
Sobs bundled in tears barely taking shape

It all comes falling down
It comes tumbling to the ground
Then you can’t pick up the pieces
Juggling it ’til life ceases

But you can take solace in this
Your dad’s still got his best friend
The drugs he’s kept so near and dear
Just to drive away the fear
And he still has his girls
Bent to his will at the drop of a bill

Then there’s the girl
You’d always kiss her in the middle of her sentences
With so much effort you peppered her with sweetnesses
Afraid that her next words would lead her astray
From your path you always knew she wouldn’t stay
And then she was gone

You’ve given up your best friend
To this modern modesty
You’ve lost your spine
That which kept you an honest you

What’s there to do
When all that’s left of the best
Are these rogue strands of hair
Pirating from the high seas of the past
Entangling this in knots
Keeping the treasure locked inside
Where you can still smell
The sweat laced nights
Fighting beneath the sheets we’d swell
Forever marked by her playful bites
Oh what is this hell?!

What To Do

Dear Girl,

I’m sorry you lied
I’m sorry I tried
I’m sorry I ever cried

I’m sorry I was willing to bear
All that you did
Just to show that I cared

I’m sorry I was so nice
And easily used
Like the itchy lice
Leaving me bemused

I’m sorry you got me high
And left me to dry
Leaving only a taste
When we could’ve had it all

I’m sorry you could so easily
Belate your feelings for me
Til when you feel the need
“Let’s do something for me.”

Dear Girl,
This is my letter to you
I’m trying to end this rut
To mend this feeling in my gut
And to belate
All these feelings of hate

So, Goodbye…
With feet to the plain
And lead to the brain,
Goodbye…

Dear Girl,

Sashah

WIth the netted black holes
Painted round your eyes
Dyed to the night sky
I’m in love, why oh why

Before you lose this hint of salvation
Go back to the Gulf sea
Where you started your education
Or you’ll really find the wolf in me

But just that, you already have
In the night after far too much to drink
What you took wasn’t yours to give
But you did with a smile and a wink

What have you done with it
You’re screaming “kalima” where is my heart
Chewed it up lubed with spit
Next up: you’ll spoil my art

But I’ll draw from this
Like the drops of blood
You drew from my lips with a kiss
To pour forth in this flood

Let this river run crimson
Driven by this reason I’ve risen
Against the prison in this mission
What is this liquid wisdom
Oh I’ve got a vision

Of me bleeding these words from my veins
Feeding off the energy of your chains
Pleading to someway retake the reins
Needing to one day find what remains

What’s this you’ve become, some demon
But I’ll rid myself of you
Suck from the wound your venom
So I can in time find someone new

What was it, the last thing you said
“Fucking stupid fuck angry little shit”
Guess I got in deep and you couldn’t handle it
You sassy bitch, don’t make me laugh!

Sashah

For This, By The Sea

These are the moments
To which I’d like to return
To cycle back
And revisit in turn
These I will tally
While sailing the sea
On my mind’s galley
I’ll dally away the day

At the shore of this Galilean sea
Your heart you opened to me
That Shabbat in the park
You gifted me your touch
It swept from my mind anything dark
To these memories ever I clutch
On the bus you shared with me your smile
This I’ve thought back on all the while

Years later and we’re talking again
Please let us connect and allow me to stay within
Your head is where I’d like to reside
To live out my days inside

You may not believe all this that I haven’t said
I’m stuck with that which I’ve made, my bed
Well I’d love for you to hear and see
All of this that is really me

I’ll skirt my way around it in rhyme
So you just might see the point in time
I’ve rallied behind this sally
To leave this folly dead in the alley
From this volley I’ll gladly
Carry you through the valley

For This, By The Sea

The Beastly Beauty, This Beautiful Beast

You’re the beauty
Always dancing through my mind
Shining brightly
Blinding these binding tidings of peace

You’re the beast
Manipulating your clause
The one I like the least
Let’s bring everyone to the cause
Your path has carved east
Let’s do this right, show me your claws!

You’re the beauty and the beast
Always dancing around the fact
Waiting for the great feast
Never willing to act

But you’re chasing these fantasies
Believing their lies
Throwing out your alliances
Ever changing your appearances
Relying on their ever building
Tower upon your weak self-conscious
It’s waiting to crumble
And see you tumble
I anticipate apologies
From out of your mouth to fumble

But for one day, someday
We’ll find this rose someway
Or we’ll find what’s left
Not yet expressed from my chest
Plucked forth per pedal
In protest of my mettle
Against this futile plea for ‘we’
To somehow simply live and be

And still you’re dancing
Still I’m left glancing
Through this entrancing
Window to the past

The Beastly Beauty, This Beautiful Beast

Thoroughly Modern Miri

TMM

You may have changed your name a couple of times
But you’re still the same
So thoroughly modern
Trying to live this archaic archetype
The Arch-Duke of this sickly fleeting life
This so thoroughly modern diligence
You wear so heavily as a mask
It’s wearing on you
Starting to shine through
As though it ever has
My sentenced lack of sense set to ever last
Here we are with your hand in his
Any other way it would be in mine
But why this self-determination
This preservation of reservations abound
My alacrity stifled down to its minimalest
By blood boiling from animal instincts
Ready to charge the attack
Gums spiked with glass
Forming knives in the backs
Of all who appeal your dealings with me
Yet again thinking, only of me
And my self righteous rights
Of my written spitten spite
For all that has, is, and will come to pass
I’ll leave you here to never come back
To leave me free to be at last
For you, I’m done, and for all that I lack.

Thoroughly Modern Miri

Always

Always all the right

In all the wrong places

And to too great an extent

It’s always the:

What we could be

What you could be

What I could be

She’s always exactly:

One half:

Everything I could possibly want

-Though I have NO idea what that is

One half:

Everything I don’t need

-Be it crazy or insecure or an attention seeker

I’m always exactly:

One half:

Hopelessly romantic

One half:

Fucking crazy

It’s always the smile. I’m a sucker for a girl in need that laughs at my jokes and has a beautiful smile. It’s always a smile so memorable that it haunts you long after it’s gone. Sometimes it’s the teeth, shown wide and proud. Sometimes it’s the guttural, from the heart, laugh that cannot be contained. Sometimes it’s the dimples and nose wrinkles. Sometimes it’s the accompanying eyes that pull me away in a way to say:

“It’s only me and you right now, in this gaze. And you, you alone, put this smile on my face, this joy in my heart.”

Always

Always The Same

I need to rid myself of this
She’s always the same
Always in need of something I think I have to give
All this energy I’ve expended
Always for the sake of someone else

And this new one
She’s just a variation on the same old theme
It’s like some conspiracy
They’ve all banded together for this scheme
Like they feed from my despondency

I’m so tired of always being your rock
You’re beautiful and you just can’t see it
You could be so wonderful
If you’d just let yourself be it
This life you lead could be so blissful

So you just keep that smile on your face
And know that I’ll find mine someday
“You’re the only one who allows me to be me”
Was something you once said
I could be wrong but maybe that was me

Here I am playing the same role
In this neverending play
The protaganist, to become whole
For his love, he must slay
All around and within
As in the end, a tragedy
Or to break free of all that is him
To accept all that should be

Or would or could, these are just words
So just laugh it off, this happy ending
Because one day you’ll see the smiles on their faces
All the props and pawns in their places
In a portrait of where we all could be
Like the end of some old comedy

Always The Same

Hear, O Flower!

Because today is your birthday
And I missed the important one
All those years ago

As it turned out, I’d have no other way
You the liar, me the tactician
It’s all turned to woe

But I lied to myself too
You were no great listener
Otherwise you would have known
That you really were my flower

What’s there left to do
When there’s no roof, no fiddler
These are the seeds I’ve sown
Here’s to hoping she has all the happiness they’ll allow her

Hear, O flower, the love I once held
It was true and pure, strong and whole
Blessed is the one who can have it in the moment
Then keep it burning for an eternity

But even fire leaves ash to be felled
And that’s no way to fill a heart’s hole
Well, it’s not quite time for this atonement
So I’ll stick with my abnormativity

So for you: Happy birthday!
And for all to come…

Hear, O Flower!